Why Do We Fake Orgasms?
For many men and women, the female orgasm remains a mystery. It isn’t essential to have one to enjoy sex, of course. But, it does enhance the experience a great deal in my opinion. I’ve always envied men in this sense because, from an early age, they’ve all experienced a real orgasm almost without exception. You can’t say the same for women, unfortunately.
Faked orgasms usually occur when the sexual act seems to be going on for far too long with no real end-point in sight. Many men try to prolong their performance until a woman has had her climax. This consideration is not due to a man’s sense of sexual chivalry. It’s more likely that seeing a woman spasming, because of his own efforts, turns a man on more strongly, increases his own pleasure and satisfies his ego as well. Knowing this to be the case, a woman who is fatigued, bored, or unhappy about the duration of a dull sex session can choose to fake it just to bring it, and her lover, to a finish. In my case, should I fail to climax during intercourse, I have no problem saying so. There are, of course, many other ways to come.
Some men fake it as well. A male friend confided in me that he had done so on several occasions. To pull the deception off convincingly, he explained, just meant that he groaned a couple of times and withdrew without much delay. Then, he went straight into the bathroom to dispose of the condom so that his girlfriend couldn’t find it and discover that it was empty. According to him, this course of action was due to fatigue.
Going back to women, some fake it unconsciously. Because of a lack of knowledge about their own bodies, and the best ways to stimulate themselves, they respond to sex in the way that they think they should. A lack of ‘real’ orgasmic experience means that they don’t have a reference point to compare their responses to. They end up faking it through no fault of their own.
I have a female friend who was one of the most sexually liberated young women at the university where I studied. Our long conversations invariably got around to our sex lives eventually. She always shared her favourite sex-tips with me and gave me amazing advice. Despite this, a few months ago when we met up again after several years, she made a confession that surprised me. She explained that she’d experienced her very first orgasm when she was 30 years old. It seemed then, that throughout those wild nights, and days, of college sex, she’d never really climaxed. Not once.The fact was, she’d experienced constant pleasure regardless. Because she moaned loudly during coitus, she’d concluded that she must’ve had one.
Now, at least she knows for certain what a real orgasm feels like. Simply put: if you’ve really had one, there can be no doubt about it. If the answer to the question ‘have you ever had an orgasm’ is ‘I think so’, it’s highly likely that you’ve never actually climaxed.
If you have a problem converting fake orgasms into real ones, the best solution is to masturbate. It bewilders me when a high percentage of my friends tell me that, because they’ve got a regular partner, they don’t touch themselves regularly or use sex toys because ‘it’s not necessary’. In my opinion, if you allow yourself to lose familiarity with your own body, how can someone else be expected to know what to do with it when the time comes?
The only time that I ever faked an orgasm in my life was during an acting class. The theme of the session was non-verbal communication. I had a great deal of trouble playing my scenes to the standard that the teacher deemed satisfactory. The final activity set for the class consisted of a love scene, however. The teacher said that he required four volunteers but nobody responded. After few tense minutes, a girl and two boys raised their hands and approached the stage. We were just missing a girl. Suddenly, the teacher looked at me directly and asked, quite politely, if I would accept the challenge. Since I had performed poorly in the class all day, this might be an opportunity to redeem myself, I thought.
The first couple acted out their parts enthusiastically but I was concerned only about my own imminent performance. The situation began to turn me on. Just before our turn, my ‘love scene partner’ began to whisper to me. He was a young and fairly nervous guy. Surprisingly, he was a ‘method’ actor and he asked me if I’d mind kissing with tongues as opposed to the fake ‘stage-kissing’ done by the first couple. “No problem” I replied with a smile. I knew that some real kisses could only improve the acting.
“Action!” Shouted the teacher. I faced my partner and we approached each other. We began to kiss hungrily as we lay down on a makeshift bed. I began to get extremely aroused . My eyes were closed, I became lost in the moment and I drifted into my erotic imagination. I tried to let go and dismiss the idea that the rest of the class was observing us intently. But, at the same time, it was precisely that idea of being watched that sent me over the edge.
“And now, orgasm!” said the teacher. I began to moan as my body writhed under the other actor. In the end, we were given a standing ovation. I hadn’t just surprised the class and the teacher, though. More importantly, I’d amazed myself with my committed performance. I never thought that I could fake it so well, and especially not in front of a group of complete strangers.
Of course, a fake orgasm isn’t something that’s particularly horny. I think it’s quite sad, to be honest. I wonder if trying to protect your partner from the truth is an acceptable excuse for deceiving them. As far as I’m concerned, the only person who ends up being deceived is the one doing the faking. They only ever end up fooling themselves.
Translation of ‘¿Por que fingimos los orgasmos?’ published in El Pais.