The REAL Orgasm Gap by Venus O’Hara

In the land of sexperts, the orgasm gap is often discussed. 

 

For those of you who unfamiliar with this term it refers to: 

a social phenomenon referring to the general disparity between cisgender men and women in terms of sexual satisfaction—more specifically, the unequal frequency in the achievement of orgasm during sexual encounters.” 

 

(from Wikipedia)

 

As an orgasm activist, I am supposed to be very concerned about this phenomenon, but the truth is that I’m not at all. Sex should never be about scoring points based on satisfaction levels and comparing one’s pleasure with that of a man. 

 

Instead, I prefer to focus on female orgasmic potential vs female orgasmic reality as far as my work is concerned. In other words, we should be ‘competing’ with our potential selves rather than with our partners.

 

Let me explain. 

 

The clitoris has 8000 nerve endings. All of them are created to provide you with pleasure. We don’t go into ‘game over mode’ after an orgasm like our male partners often do. In addition, we are more likely to experience multiple orgasms. Despite all the orgasmic potential that women possess, anorgasmia – which means not experiencing orgasms –  is primarily a female concern. The causes are rarely physical. Personally, I believe that overcoming our orgasmic obstacles requires a shift in mindset. 

 

It’s unfortunate that so many women are not reaching their full orgasmic potential. I often say that it’s like having a Ferrari in your driveway and being unable to drive it. It seems to be such a waste. It is my mission to correct this situation as much as humanly possible. Despite the many successes of the female sexual liberation movement, there is still a lot of work to be done to achieve orgasmic success among women. 

 

Female orgasmic reality vs female orgasmic potential. 

 

This is the REAL orgasm gap that needs closing.  

 

I receive so many messages from women who are unable to close this gap for themselves. The REAL orgasm gap that I’m referring to is something that can be closed or eliminated completely during masturbation. Not just during couple sex. However, once closed, it will no doubt pay dividends in your partnered sexperiences. 

 

I always say that orgasm should never be the objective in any intimate encounter. Your focus should always be on feeling pleasure and just enjoying the moment, whether you are on your own or with a partner. This is because orgasm usually happens as a result of pleasure. So it makes sense to try and enjoy yourself as much as possible.

 

I also recommend using a sex toy to stimulate the clitoris as it is much easier to reach orgasm with a vibrator than with manual stimulation. That doesn’t mean that sex toys replace fingers. I think it’s still incredibly important to know your body and especially your own personal hot spots. 

 

One toy that I think can be effective for beginners are wand massagers. This is because their round head has powerful motors that are ideal for stimulating the whole vulva and not just the clitoral glans. After all, most of the clitoris is actually inside the body. 

 

 

They are also ideal for foreplay during a partnered encounter. They can be used to massage the whole body which can both be stimulating and relaxing at the same time. And the more relaxed and stimulated you are, the more likely you are to reach orgasm. I have been using this Smart Wand 2 from LELO quite a lot lately. I’ve been using it on my own and with ‘Mars’ O’Hara. 

 

I often start by making him lie face down on my bed. Then I switch the wand massager on and pay special attention to his shoulders, neck, buttocks and the backs of the thighs. When I’m in a particularly cruel and sadistic mood, I might use it to tickle the soles of his feet or his armpits… But mostly, I focus on trying to help him feel as relaxed as possible. 

 

Making sure a male partner is relaxed before sex is always a good idea, as there will no doubt be less performance anxiety. I believe that despite advances in attitudes and behaviour towards sex, men still have the pressure to lead the activities between the sheets when it really should be a shared ‘responsibility’. A good massage during foreplay can definitely help with this. 

 

I sometimes use the Smart Wand 2 for self-massage or I might get ‘Mars’ to use it on me, and not necessarily during a foreplay session. I must confess that I reserve the Smart Wand’s more orgasmic uses for when I’m alone. I adore its curved handle and especially the big, wide head with its deep, rumbly, powerful motor. It never ceases to amaze me as it seems to ‘wake up’ my entire clitoris. I often find that I don’t have to fantasize that much when I use it as it’s just a case of my body reacting to some top quality clitoral stimulation. 

 

There is a downside though. Given that wand massagers are generally so powerful and intense, they can sometimes make other sex toys seem weak and insignificant in comparison. Which can be a good or bad thing depending on your perspective and the moment. 

 

But one thing is sure, they definitely will help to close the orgasm gap. The one that most sexperts talk about, as well as the REAL orgasm gap.

 

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