The Best Way to Dominate a Man

I was a teenager the first time I saw a pornographic film. I had spent the night at a schoolfriend’s house and the next morning, while we were eating our corn flakes on the couch, we put the TV on. When to saw that there was only the news, which of course we were not interested in at all, my friend decided to show me “something fun”. She then got up to look for a video that was hidden behind the family photo albums in a cupboard in the corner of the room.

Naively, I wondered why this particular video was kept separate from the others… However, when my friend pressed ‘play’, I realised why. I remember the image perfectly: a close-up of a woman kneeling before a man performing oral sex on him. Although I thought it was absolutely disgusting, I was still unable to look away from the TV screen. As I was trying to digest my cereal, I informed my friend that I would never, ever do such a thing, and she agreed with me.

Fortunately for my lovers, my opinion of fellatio has changed considerably since then. However, my technique could not be more different than the one I saw that day as a teenager. There is a tendency in mainstream pornography to represent fellatio as an act of female submission, when I think it’s rather the opposite: that is to say it’s often when a woman has the most control. For example, I know I can ask for anything I want when I’m giving head. For this to be true, we must really take control of the situation, and only do it when a really feel like it, not just when he expects it. Even if this means doing it less frequently.

You should never do anything that you’re not 100% into, even if he’s gone down on you for an hour beforehand, as I explained in ‘Should There Be Equality in Oral Sex?’. Of course, giving pleasure is a pleasure in itself. But doing it when you really want to means that it will probably be better. I think that this theory can also be applied to cunnilingus; that is, that there are men who do because it’s expected of them, whereas others genuinely enjoy it. If I perceive his genuine enthusiasm, I inevitably get even more aroused.

Often fellatio is part of the foreplay, but I confess that I feel more in control of the situation when I do it as a surprise, or to distract him while he’s busy doing something else, for example, when he’s on the phone, on the computer or watching football

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The scenario and preparation is everything. Personally, I like to do it wearing red lipstick. I try to look him in the eyes, as opposed to hiding behind my long hair. And perhaps continue to maintain a conversation between licks, until he loses concentration on what he was doing previously.

Another technique to surprise him would be to put a blindfold in him. Then, prepare a cup of hot tea and a glass of ice water. First, put the ice in your mouth while performing oral sex. Once he gets used to the temperature, take a sip of the hot tea, and continue alternating temperatures. It’s probably best to wait until summer for this as playing with ice in winter can often produce the opposite effect.

Once you’ve set the scene for a domination blow job, it is very important to maintain control throughout. For example, personally, I cannot stand it when a man holds my head to control the pace (and I believe I’m not alone in this). When this happens, I push his hands away.  A good way to avoid this is to tie his wrists together.

Although the act of fellatio is the same as the one I witnessed the first time I saw a porn movie, knowing that I call the shots changes everything for me. To the extent that he understands that it’s a reward and that to achieve it, he has to earn it. For this reason, I am convinced that a good blow job can improve all aspects of a relationship, not just the sexual realm.

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Translation of ‘La mejor manera de dominar a un hombre,’ published in El Pais.

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