Should There Be Equality In Oral Sex?

‘Tis the season of goodwill and generosity. Although it’s nice to receive gifts, the greatest pleasure can be found by giving freely without expecting anything in return. But, what happens when you’re always the person who gives? After a while, if you don’t receive even a little token to acknowledge your efforts, frustration inevitably follows. This ‘one-way traffic’ is a situation that everyone experiences eventually.

When it comes to oral sex, If there isn’t equality of giving and receiving, it can become a real issue with some couples. But, please don’t assume that reciprocity should be mandatory where this subject is concerned. Deciding who gives oral sex on a given night shouldn’t be like buying rounds of drinks in a bar; your turn, my turn, your turn and so on.

If I’m absolutely honest, when it comes to gifts and oral sex, I usually prefer receiving rather than giving. In some people’s opinion, many of whom could be my ex-lovers, this might seem like a totally selfish attitude on my part. Perhaps it is, but I prefer to be honest from the outset. I only give when I want to. Recipients of my largesse should realise just how significant it is and how lucky they are that I bothered.

Oral sex is a very intimate and personal subject. For me to even consider giving head I have to be highly aroused by the person I am with and/or inspired by the situation in which we find ourselves. If the conditions are right, I can lose control of myself completely and devour my lover. In those moments, I’m not even thinking about pleasing them at all. It’s more likely that I’m high on my own desire and overtaken by my animal urge to taste them. In a way, I’m still being selfish. If that isn’t the case, then I’m unwilling to make the effort.

venus o'hara married lovers

Years ago, I had a long distance relationship and neither of us were particularly pleased with the situation.This was especially true when it came to sex. We only spent one weekend a month together and if I didn’t perform oral sex on him during those two days he didn’t hesitate to demonstrate his frustration.

At first, I was flattered that he loved my technique so much that he wanted more and more. Then I began to feel pressured and, as a result, I had little desire to do it. We reached the point, one day, when my complete absence of oral generosity provoked an argument between us.

The irony of this situation was that he never gave me oral sex as I might have reasonably expected. I never once complained about it though. Thinking about him now, I imagine that he lacked the inspiration. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel an obligation to do something like that for me just out of politeness. I’d prefer to go without it completely if the only alternative was to receive a couple of unenthusiastic licks. There was a moment, at the end of the argument, when I decided that it was time to set the record straight.

“And when was the last time you went down on me?” I asked him.

He couldn’t remember. To be honest, neither could I.

Needless to say, our relationship didn’t last much longer after that conversation and my mouth didn’t take long to find greater inspiration elsewhere.

The true value of oral sex, like that of the best present, depends on the good will of the giver. The act of giving should be spontaneous and display an innate understanding of the recipients unexpressed desires. And, the most meaningful gifts are the ones that are unconditional, unexpected and unseasonal. On our birthdays, and at Christmas, we expect to be treated. I’m told that the best blowjobs are the ones that are a complete surprise.

I still prefer to receive than to give, of course. But, when I decide to give head I expect to receive something that I desire most: the expression of ecstasy and delirium in the face of a lover.

Then, I know for a fact, that I’m doing good.

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Translated from ‘Igualdad en el sexo oral, ¿o no?‘ published in El País.

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