Photo by Lourdes Ribas

“I’m going to come …” he whispered in my ear.

‘At last’, I thought to myself with a sense of relief. I’d had two orgasms already and I was getting tired. Besides, it was a summer afternoon and the room was as hot as a sauna. My lover groaned a few times, pulled out suddenly and ran to the bathroom to take off the condom.

When he got back into bed we enjoyed the usual post-coital hug until we got our breath back. I couldn’t help noticing that he wasn’t in “game over” mode. He seemed restless and was clearly semi-hard, even after sex.

“Are you sure you came?” I asked.

“Yes,” he assured me, but I wasn’t entirely convinced.

Later, that night, when I was taking my makeup off in the bathroom, I was still thinking about my lover’s “orgasm”. I didn’t think it made sense that he was still hard after finishing. I looked into the mirror and couldn’t help noticing the bin in the reflection. I decided to investigate and when I found an empty condom inside the bin, it left me feeling more than just disappointed.

I knew, of course, that there are men who can have a dry orgasm, i.e. one without ejaculating. But, if this was the case with my lover, then why was he in such a rush to get rid of the condom? If he was tired or didn’t want to carry on then I would have preferred him to tell me. I wouldn’t have minded taking a break or even stopping completely.

Orgasms aren’t everything but they clearly enhance the whole sexual experience. I don’t just enjoy my own orgasms though. For me, seeing a man in his moment of ecstasy is incredibly exciting. Denying me this voyeuristic pleasure is like laying out a banquet to feast on and then not serving dessert. It’s incredibly frustrating.

Faking orgasms is usually a topic that concerns women who do it to encourage their male partners. This belief comes from an outdated mindset that only allows sex to exist for male enjoyment. This is patently ridiculous. So, whether you are male or female, communicating the simple fact that you can’t come, for whatever reason, is far better than pretending to do so. If you’re just not enjoying the sex, wouldn’t it be better to teach your partner what they can do to increase your pleasure and improve the experience for both of you? Why is it so hard to be honest in bed sometimes?

I think feigned orgasms demonstrate a lack of trust with a sexual partner. They are totally counterproductive because mutual trust is the key to good sex. Faking is lying.

The worst case of a faked male orgasm that I’ve come across was one that was told to me by a co-worker. He and his wife were trying for a baby and he explained that one day he was so exhausted with the constant routine of sex that once he had to fake his orgasm. He got away with it because the volume he was ejaculating was really small and his wife was so lubricated that she couldn’t tell the difference. Then, when he saw her lying down with her legs propped up against the wall so that his ‘seed’ wouldn’t escape, he did feel a little guilty.

My lover texted me the day after the “empty condom incident” to tell me how great a time he had the previous night and how “hard he’d come”.

“Yes, yes,” I agreed, “It was wild.”

At that moment I just had to lie/fake it.

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Translation of ‘¿Se puede superar la incompatibilidad sexual?’ published in El País.

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