Eros and Thanatos

Eros and Thanatos

When the phone rang, I knew instinctively that it was that call that I was dreading. As I hold the ‘phone, my eyes are stinging and the tears are running down my cheeks. I try to maintain my composure so that I can take note of all the details about their passing.The fact that it’s not unexpected, and the knowledge that they had a long and well-lived life, doesn’t make it any easier.

After hanging up the phone, I begin to cry uncontrollably. It becomes impossible to contain my sorrow. While I’m sobbing, I can’t help thinking about things that only make me cry harder. It doesn’t take very long for my red-rimmed eyes to swell up.

Luckily, I’m not alone. He is in the next room. Noticing my sobs, he approaches and takes me in his arms. I rest my head against his strong, manly, chest. I feel emotionally drained and vulnerable in his tender embrace. I explain briefly what happened while he strokes my hair reassuringly. I close my eyes and press my body against his even more. I feel his heart beats and I inhale his scent. It awakens something deep down within me.That mixture of sweat from his armpit and the  perfume clinging to his neck is intoxicating. I breathe it in and I become mesmerised by it. I want more.

I let my hands go up under his shirt to caress the naked skin of his back. Suddenly, he realizes that the comforting embrace  is becoming something else. He moves his head away in search of my gaze. When our eyes meet I notice his confusion.

“Are you okay?” He asks me with a worried tone. “Yes. I need to feel alive”, I explain. He frowns and looks even more confused. I make it easier for him to understand what I want. “Fuck me, please”, I beg you”.

I don’t want his pity. I want wild sex. All that matters is that I feel the blood running through my veins. I need to know that I am still very much alive despite the drab and depressing mood that I find myself in. I need to feel my heart beating, my breath accelerating and, above all, I have to feel the spasms of orgasm.

Despite the concern and chivalry he is showing to me, I can not help noticing that he is hard. I press myself into him a little further to determine how rigid he really is through our clothing.Then I devour his face with passionate kisses. He responds with the same enthusiasm.

There is no place for inhibitions: the moment must be seized and exploited to the fullest. We undress. I explore his body with my finger nails, my tongue and my teeth. I enjoy every millimeter of his skin. I see that he is a little overwhelmed by my enthusiasm but I am committed to rubbing up against my limits.

Within seconds, my sobs are replaced by moans and gasps. I want to exploit every sensation that is on offer. But, just when we get down to it on it on all fours, I remember what has happened suddenly. In that moment I suddenly feel paranoid and anxious.

I wonder what happens to us after we die: do we become spirits that can see everything? I hope not. The mere thought disturbs me. I try to erase it from my mind so that I can go back to concentrating on the sensory overload from the thrusts I feel in every part of my body.

After our mutual orgasms, we enjoy some post-coital cuddles in silence. As I get my breath back, I return to reality.There’s nothing like a death to put things into perspective. As sad as this is, I feel even more motivated to live.

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Translation of ‘Eros y Tánatos‘ published in El Pais.

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