In BDSM, a top or dominant is the partner in a BDSM relationship or scene who takes the active or controlling role over that of the bottom or submissive partner.
Domination means being able to extract excitement from the pleasure you give to a submissive by every word you speak and every gesture you make no matter how trivial. That enjoyment only increases if a submissive offers unqualified and quantifiable acts of worship whenever ordered to do so.
There are three variables at work in a dominant’s connection to their submissive and the formers fetishistic pleasure relies upon each of them being fulfilled to the letter:
Firstly, for dominants continual, high-quality, worship from a submissive represents a depth of adoration from another individual that simply cannot be found anywhere else.
Secondly, in setting tasks and organising duties for an eager submissive outside of the controlling environment of their BDSM relationship, the dominant understands that the submissive derives nothing but pure fetishistic pleasure themselves from the distance application of their adoration.
Lastly, dominants have the final word when it comes to giving rewards to obedient submissives or administering punishments to rebellious ones and this system has a fetishistic significance all of its own.
It seemed clear that only way to overcome this rejection was to try BDSM dating only and connect with someone based on sexual tastes instead. A place where there would be no moral judgement or unrealistic expectations. He did just that and he had to think of a kinky nickname that reflected his dominant desires. The irony was, that he actually had no experience apart from watching kinky videos and listening to my stories.
The MAZE Collection – Vegan Leather
As soon as I saw the appropriately titled, MAZE collection from Bijoux Indiscrets, I knew that I needed to find my own path into it. I did not care about forgetting the way I went in, taking a wrong turn or, indeed, solving the puzzle. I just felt the need to get lost in a confounding, and thrilling, realm of fetish fantasy.
When I saw the hip chains from the new collection by Bijoux Indiscrets, I knew that they would be ideal for this type of erotic game. There is also something very alluring about being naked except for a chain (or two). Feeling something cold and metallic draped against your skin that moves against you with each step you take is incredibly arousing. It’s like ‘I’m dressed but naked’. The hip chains highlight the curve and form of your figure even more than being naked does.
When it comes to sex in the real world, there are always condoms. But, how can we protect ourselves during a cybersex session? It’s quite true that cybersex doesn’t expose you to the risk of sexually transmitted infections, but there are specific dangers inherent. The most obvious one is that our ‘private’ chat is nothing of the kind.
Ode to the Original Mr Grey I’ve always believed that the success of the Fifty Shades of Grey books can be attributed to the character of Christian Grey. For me the the appeal of the trilogy is less about the BDSM and more about the rehearsal of an established female fantasy: a fabulously wealthy, enigmatic older man finding redemption from his past misdemeanours by falling in love with a much younger, poorer and virginal girl. In other words, Fifty Shades of Grey is like a Mills & Boon romance novel with butt-plugs and bondage tape. Anastasia Steel is the lucky girl that women across the world love to identify with. We all desire attention and the arousing prospect of a ripped billionaire choosing us above all others to lavish his attentions and perversions upon was guaranteed to get us wet. Even though he seemed like a stalker sometimes. My personal investment in the allure of Mr Grey fell sharply when Jamie Dornan was cast to play him in the film adaptation of the first book in the trilogy. Although Mr Dornan is a talented actor, serious eye-candy and seems shy in interviews there is a problem. The lack of sexual chemistry between himself and Dakota Johnson, playing Anastasia, killed the fantasy on film for me. Christian will never be my idolised Mr Grey. There is another Mr Grey who makes my pulse race. I’m referring to E. Edward Grey, the protagonist, from the film Secretary as played by the wonderful […]
When I came across the acronym CFNM on Twitter recently associated with Femdom (Female Domination), I was instantly curious to find out what it meant. I was surprised to learn that in actual fact, the philosophy behind CFNM (Clothed Female Naked Male) was not news to me at all. As it turns out, I have been practising my own variant of it for years but I have to acknowledge that when I am faced with a choice between CFNM, and its flip side CMNF (Clothed Male Naked Female) I will invariably choose the latter option. One of my favourite things about the nature of fetishism is that almost any kink has a name. To determine one fetish from another, however, the correct designation becomes necessary. My understanding of CFNM “Clothed Female/Naked Male” is based on my interest and practice of FemDom or Female Domination. The fetishistic value of a CFNM scenario lies in the asymmetrical power relationship of its participants to the way in which they are dressed. A fully dressed woman, or group of women, can be placed in direct fetishistic contrast to a naked man, or group of men. Nakedness often compels vulnerability, reticence and shame when the other member, or members of a scene are dressed and have the dominant role. A CFNM scenario can explore sexual or non-sexual practices, male submission fantasies and/or elements of male display, performance or exhibitionism. Female domination becomes a natural extension of these forms of gender identity roleplaying. In contrast, CMNF […]
Fifty Shades of Grey is trending again and it feels as though it never went away. The truth is, it’s always there now, in the back of our aroused minds. It is, in no small part, the responsibility of its author, E.L. James that 2012 will be remembered as a watershed for erotic literature and the portrayal of BDSM as a viable and peculiarly effective ingredient of modern sexuality. Now, we have seen the first trailer to the forthcoming Fifty Shades of Grey film. Everyone seems to be watching it, talking about it or avoiding it in case it does not live up to their private visualisation of the two main characters involved. Nevertheless, everyone will have to wait until Valentine’s Day 2015 to see it… If the length of the wait seems like a special type of torture then do not get overly concerned. Fifty Shades of Grey is all about BDSM. The punishing delay until fans of the books can see the film seems quite appropriate when you look at it from that perspective. If you need to keep yourself and your own personal Mr Grey distracted and entertained while you are both waiting patiently, then I can think of no better way than to take full advantage of the official Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy collection. The amazing variety of products it comprises will guarantee that neither of you will ever get bored. The collection includes toys such as vibrators, ben wah balls, G spot vibrator, […]
I could never truly appreciate how much physical effort a man puts in to having sex until I had experienced strap-on sex. I wonder if this is the reason why few women are really committed to having strap-on sex. There is another explanation for this. A woman who has to wear a harness, just so that she can use a dildo on another woman, might not enjoy playing such a traditionally masculine role in bed. I have to admit that I prefer to be on the receiving end in strap-on sex. This is especially true when I imagine a female lover who can offer me a penis that is permanently hard as well as a pair of breasts simultaneously. That is the fantasy scenario that attracts me. The reality of strap-on sex can be a little different. It is still a challenge to find a good quality harness matched up to a suitable dildo. Harnesses can be difficult to put on and to wear for any length of time without rubbing against the skin. I also find that unsecured dildos slide around too much and are far too large for any sustained use. From a practical point of view, the shaft is also positioned a lot higher than it would be with a real man. Anyway, if I have to walk around a room with a long length of stiff silicon bouncing up and down between my legs I can not be blamed if I start laughing about it. If […]
Cyberslave is a short film that tells the story of a struggling dominatrix and her relationship with Slave X. It explores the dynamics of a D/s relationship, Financial Domination, virtual relationships, during the current economic crisis.. …. But who is the slave? This is the first time I have taken to scriptwriting, I hope you enjoy it! I have always questioned the power dynamics in a D/s relationship when there is money involved. I’ve always believed that the person who pays is the one in charge. Especially if the money is used for everyday living costs, and therefore the dominatrix relies on her slaves’ contributions to live. This calls into question who really has the power. In Cyberslave I wanted to explore the how a financial domme tries to maintain control of her slave and herself, despite her total lack of control over her own situation. Written by and Starring Venus O’Hara Directed by Antón González and Vicente González Make-up and Art Direction: Mariam Elazzouzi Produced by La Isla
Orgasm denial is the best way to deal with rebellious slaves. If a dominant is clever then there are wonderful ways to make someone suffer without physical pain ever being needed. O.D. is still the most satisfying option available to me. I went to Ikea one afternoon to have a look around and investigate the latest range of headboards. I never know when I’m going to need a really strong one so its best to do some research. I walked around the bedding area and felt a little bored to tell the truth. The typical crowds you find in that place were beginning to irritate me with their docile browsing. On a whim, I decided that it was time to end my slave’s period of Orgasm Denial in spectacular fashion right then and there. He had been placed on it for six days and was really starting to suffer. It was great. I sent him an SMS with the codeword “Now”. He understood the rules perfectly. No matter where he was, no matter what he was doing, he had to masturbate immediately. I stood aside from the crowd and, almost at once, he called me back. I heard his belt buckle hit the floor closely followed by his trousers and underwear. He carried lube around with him just in case. I heard the slaps and squelches as he got to work on himself. As I smiled to the husbands and wives as they shuffled past me I listened to the […]
Introducing a little BDSM into your relationship can be a really great way to intensify things, learn your limits and become closer to your partner, but it can also be really intimidating–especially if you’ve never dabbled in it before. Perhaps you’ve been kicking around this site for awhile or you just stumbled here after wondering what BDSM was really like, either way, you’re not alone if you’re worried. Beginning a BDSM adventure can be exciting, but it’s going to take communication, honesty, and an open mind. Use this as your beginners guide and then continue to physically and intellectually explore your options. Communication Communication is key to having a successful and pleasurable BDSM relationship. You can’t dive in without discussing the semantics, rules, limits, and safe words. Make sure your partner has a full understanding of what BDSM will entail, what the different roles (dom/sub) mean and who will be who. It won’t work if you both want to be the sub or vice versa. You will also need to discuss what your limits will be. Are you okay with anal play? Paddling? What level of pain or loss of control are you willing to go to? You want to make sure you are both on the same page. It’s fun to push limits, but you don’t want to push them so far that it becomes scary or someone gets hurt. The best way to ensure no one gets hurt is to set up a safe word that you can […]
My slave likes to watch me on Skype as I go through the ritual of applying my make-up. It is a strange and exciting sensation to have someone analysing every little thing I do to decorate my face. His attention does not just focus my technique, however. Having his adoring eyes on me is the kind of pressure that really turns me on. It turns him on as well. His frequent suggestions and compliments prove it to me over and over again. My slave goes quiet when I’m defining my eyes with black liner. It is the cool precision involved in getting it just right that obsesses him. He is waiting for a mistake to be made. That is what he wants from me. It is like watching an artist who has to pause in their work to fix a flaw. Perfection is fine but random chance is better. Watching me make a correction, and getting impatient while I am doing it, always makes him sigh. When I outline my lips he breathes more heavily. I can hear his arousal from the speaker in my laptop. Sometimes I tease him with the creation of my Cupid’s bow. I delay it as much as I can. He can hardly stand the tension. I notice the anxiety creeping into his whispered words of praise. Then, it is time to finish and I press my lips together before blowing him a little kiss. I ask him how I look. He sags into his chair […]
In case you hadn’t realised, Planet Venus is back. It may seem perverse for me to be away from my regular writing responsibilities at this time. BDSM has suddenly become the literary flavour of the year with the publishing phenomenon of “50 Shades of Grey” taking the mainstream reading habits of the world by storm. In this eroticized and aroused moment in time you might think that I’ve been neglecting my proper duties and the philosophy behind my all important web. Although my loyal slaves have been working around the clock, they can only achieve so much on their own before I have to take the initiative again and do the things for Planet Venus that only I am qualified to do. Nevertheless, I see the distinctive cover of “50 Shades of Grey” and its sequels appearing in increasing numbers on the metro, in cafes and being read on benches in municipal parks. Everyone has either read it, is reading it or feels that they need to have an opinion about it. In my mind this can only be a good thing. It is still only fiction however. What happens when all of those readers feel the need to experiment with BDSM in their real lives? If you really want to discover how fulfilling and exciting BDSM can be but you are reluctant to do so because of any pre-conceptions you might still have then let me reassure you. BDSM can be so much fun that it’s almost a scandal […]
Feminism has got a bad name over the years for a variety of reasons. Mostly, in our hypersexual culture of eroticised imagery, it commits the cardinal sin of being a little unsexy. Feminism began as a movement based on the establishment of equality between the sexes. It has gone through many distinct phases since its beginnings and not all of them have been comfortable. At first, feminists wanted to be taken as seriously as men. To achieve their aim, they thought that they had to act just like men. Unfortunately, for some, that meant dressing like them as well. Thank God for the Spice Girls. The five of them turned up in short skirts and taught us about “girl power”. They were proof that you can wear high heels and still be a feminist. I defined myself as a feminist until I discovered Femdom (Female Domination). Femdom usually describes the power structure of a BDSM relationship in which the dominant partner is exclusively female. As a result of her complete authority over her submissive partner, she determines the activities that define their relationship. This includes any and all of the rules and punishments that exist during those sessions. Feminism, in its early stages, tried to do without femininity and looked down on it to some extent. Femdom doesn’t just accept femininity it takes it to another level. Female charms are emphasised and exploited like sexual weapons. Feminists believe that if you show too much cleavage you’ll never be taken seriously. […]
BDSM is a perfect festive treat for the Christmas holidays. That’s fine if you know what you’re doing. You might be new to BDSM. You and your partner might still want to use your time off together to try it out anyway. Here are my 10 Basic BDSM Terms for Beginners. BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. DOMINANT (also dom, domme): the one in charge. SUBMISSIVE (also sub) the one who gives themselves freely for the pleasure of another. SWITCH an individual who “switches” between dominant and submissive roles. A switch can be both a sadist and a masochist. VANILLA refers to non-BDSM sex, “vanilla sex”.A person who doesn’t do BDSM is a “vanilla” SUBMISSION CONTRACT a formal document that defines the relationship of a sub to his or her domme. A contract might describe sexual arrangements, rules and punishment, as well as defining day to day duties. SAFEWORD a word or phrase used to stop a BDSM game. Safewords are defined beforehand and should be respected by the dominant> A common safe word is “red” (stop) or “yellow” (approaching the limit). Photo by Guy Moberly from Love Me Like You Hate Me. BONDAGE the practice of restricting a person’s bodily movements for erotic pleasure. FETISH a “fetish” is an object, non-reproductive body part or action whose presence or existence causes excitement and/or arousal in an individual. An object might be latex or heels, a non-sexual body part could be legs or feet and […]
In BDSM, financial domination is a situation where a female dominant has complete control over the disposable income of Her submissive slave. For her instant gratification, she would also expect gifts whenever she felt like it. A financial slave only works and earns so that he can please his adored dominant female. This means that he supplies constant financial support to Her and that he pays instant monetary penalties whenever She demands them. A key part of financial domination is the slave’s acceptance that he should only live on the cheapest groceries available so that his Goddess can enjoy more luxuries at his expense. To permit his domme to live like the Goddess that he knows She is, a good slave will make any sacrifice and – more importantly – take huge fetishistic pleasure in doing so. He expects nothing in return except the continued honour of serving Her. When viewed in these terms it seems as though the domme has complete financial control but – in reality – the scenario is much more complicated. I am convinced that, in any situation, the customer is always right. The person with the money is the one with the real power in a BDSM relationship as in any other. This conclusion is at odds with the accepted definition of financial domination. There is no such thing as a free lunch and a domme understands this all too well. The world of BDSM does not have a trade union or social security and […]
Many fetishists think that lace blindfolds are a bit pointless. After all, a blindfold should restrict vision and deprive the wearer of vital sensory information – not allow them to see their master/mistress whenever they choose. As far as I’m concerned there’s only one drawback with black lace blindfolds and that’s the number of people who just can’t see their obvious fetish potential.When I wore the black lace blindfold – that you see in these images – I felt dominant in front of the photographer, not submissive as I might have anticipated. When I wear sunglasses I can see perfectly but the person I’m talking to can feel uncomfortable and anxious because the eye-contact between us has been disrupted – wilfully, – by my choice of eyewear. My feelings, responses and thoughts – usually so easy to read in my huge, expressive, eyes can no longer be interpreted or relied upon. Lace blindfolds serve the same function in BDSM roleplay. This accessory is unique in the grey area it occupies between submissive blindfolds and dominant masks. If you want to be submissive in a lace blindfold, all you need to do is close your eyes and adopt that persona. If you want to be dominant, just keep your eyes open and use the confusing filter of the black lace to intimidate your slave further by staring at them through it. They won’t know how to respond, trust me. During the shoot I wasn’t able to express myself with my eyes […]
A hood can be worn and exploited by both dominants and submissives. I’d wanted to explore the idea of a hood fetish photo-set that played with the idea of power and anonymity for a while. When I opened the box that this little scrap of stretchy black lace was packed in, I didn’t realise at first how much BDSM potential it had – I was excited at how provocative and mysterious I’d look just by putting it on. A fitted hood with openings just for the mouth and eyes – when worn by dominating women – exaggerates their fetish identity. Although it hides characteristics like hair, chin-line and ears under its surface, a hood still defines the shape of the head and allows the exposed features to have overwhelming importance. I only increased this effect on myself by emphasising my green eyes with a similar shade of make-up and by plumping and exaggerating my pout with glistening red lipstick. The power of the hood fetish isn’t just for dominant’s though and it’s possible to adapt that BDSM persona into a submissive one just by changing your expression a little bit. Fetish hoods like this are perfect for switches who are clever enough to keep their role-play partners guessing. This was my first fetish hood set and the sensations I felt were intense. It was a real challenge to pose without being able to show off my long red hair and use it as a fetish prop. With my secret – […]
Suspension bondage appeals to fetishists because it makes the person being suspended seem more vulnerable if they are unable and unwilling to escape their restraints. By trying to free themselves they could fall to the floor and injure themselves so their anxiety is magnified. Being suspended in a large open space also turns a helpless, submissive subject into an object whose complete powerlessness can be as erotically satisfying for themselves as much as for any spectators watching. Rope suspension can be a form of performance art at BDSM conventions and fetish-themed nightclubs. I was fascinated by the suspension shows I saw at some of those clubs. I prefer pain-free suspension rather than the kind that uses hook and chains.It was on Bogatell beach in Barcelona where I saw a rope climbing frame and thought I’d try suspension for myself Even though high-heels aren’t recommended to wear on rope climbing frames they were perfect with my matching black boy-shorts, transparent long-sleeved top and hold-up stockings which emphasised my pure-white, naked thighs for all those appreciative fetishists out there. It was a real challenge hanging up there with my fiery red hair hanging down and blowing in the warm breeze. I had to rely upon my strength alone to support my body but I was more than up for the challenge I had set for myself. I knew that some spectators were taking photos of me hanging there but – just to show my playful awareness of them – I posed at […]
Venus in Furs by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch is my favourite book. An influential lover gave it to me as an instruction manual, to educate me, years ago when I was a student. The word masochism derives not just from the author of the book but from the nature of the story itself. Masochism has come to mean the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain and humiliation. Venus in Furs tells the story of Severin, a man who is so infatuated with a young widow, Wanda von Dunajew, that he requests to be her slave. For Severin, Wanda is Venus-a redhead with green eyes and porcelain white skin. Naturally I identified with her. The following is an extract from the text: “She is there-Venus-but without furs-No, this time it is merely the widow-and yet-Venus-oh, what a woman!” “As she stands there in her light white morning gown, looking at me, her slight figure seems full of poetry and grace. She is neither large, nor small; her head is alluring, piquant-in the sense of the period of the French marquises-rather than formally beautiful. What enchantment and softness, what roguish charm plays about her none too small mouth! Her skin is so infinitely delicate, that the blue veins show through everywhere; even through the muslin covering her arms and bosom. How abundant her red hair-it is red, not blonde or golden-yellow-how diabolically and yet tenderly it plays around her neck! Now her eyes meet mine like green lightnings-they are green, these […]
In this era of 24/7 social networking, anyone can call themselves a writer because their words can be published online whenever they feel like it. I’ve always had plenty to say and my free website was the first ongoing outlet for my views and opinions. At the start, writing my posts was something fun I did on a Sunday afternoon; it was a hobby. Within three months though, I had an offer to co-author a book with Erika Lust and, suddenly, my hobby had to be taken a lot more seriously. The masochist in me enjoyed the unhelpful conditions I suffered to complete the project. For example, I always sat in the same old vintage leather chair-featured in many of my photo-sets-to get the work done. I wore old jogging bottoms, an ancient hoodie and, as it was during the winter months, I was usually wrapped up in a blanket that my grandma had sent to me; it had kept generations of O’Haras warm and I was very glad to have it. The door to my balcony was broken and no matter how much furniture I piled up against it, I still heard the rattle as it let in another bitter draft of cold air. My fingers were frozen and I could see my breath as I typed, busily, on the keyboard of my tired, unreliable laptop. I’ve got a new one now, thank God. I knew, even then, that I would look back at the hardship of the writing […]
In BDSM, a top or dominant is the partner in a BDSM relationship or in a BDSM scene who takes the active or controlling role over that of the bottom or submissive partner. Domination means being able to extract excitement from the pleasure you give to a submissive by every word you speak and every gesture you make no matter how trivial. That enjoyment only increases if a submissive offers unqualified acts of worship. A male dominant may make up for a lack of control in his professional life by expressing his desire for it in the bedroom whereas a female dominant can be regarded, undeservedly, as being counter-intuitive and unnatural in her desires. Most dominants, however, find that a single whiplash is worth more than a thousand wasted words of justification. There are three variables at work in a dominant’s connection to their submissive: Firstly, dominants require a degree of dedication and attention that applies whether they are male or female. For them, the act of worship from a submissive represents a depth of adoration from an individual that simply cannot be found anywhere else. Secondly, in setting tasks and duties to an eager submissive outside of the controlling environment of their BDSM relationship, the dominant understands that the submissive derives nothing but pure joy from the distance application of their adoration. When the submissive is busily proving his or her dedication to the material needs of their dominant even when the dominant is asleep or busy then the […]
I recently made my acting debut in the acclaimed short film “Love Me Like You Hate Me”, written and directed by Erika Lust, (Lust Films 2010). It is an arousing exploration of the seductive thrills of domination and the fear and excitement of submission in which I play seven characters. Now, the film has been re-edited, re-scored and re-imagined to further emphasise its unusual ability to disturb and excite with its lurid and fetishistic imagery of domestic servitude, confinement and spanking, gloves fetish, glasses fetish, wet clothes fetish and much more. In its new form it has become an unusually kinetic and intense type of BDSM thriller which restores footage-previously regarded as too intense-of me bound hand and foot and constrained by a ball-gag, to its list of astounding highlights. I’m still shocked at how effective the following teaser is and I can hardly wait to see the more provocative cut of the film when it debuts soon. Photo above by Kristyan Geyr Images TEASER LOVE ME LIKE YOU HATE ME Cargado por lustfilms. – Mira más videos de TV y películas.
Pain has always been a part of accepted behaviour in conventional sexual relationships. The loss of control that defines the act itself anticipates scratching and hair pulling; love bites are a more obvious reminder of recent pleasures.These “in the moment” expressions of passion are intuitive and spontaneous. The application of pain when associated with BDSM is different, it is methodical and organised for a specific purpose; it refines the production of pleasure by the exploitation of its polar opposite. There are many intelligent applications of pain in the world of BDSM, enough to sharpen appetites that are subtle or broad. Spanking is an arousing interplay of punishment and sensuality, randomness and design.Whipping is a more direct approach to the use of formal chastisement without sweetness to balance it. Temperature play tests our reactions to heat and cold to enhance sensation to a much greater degree. Even rope burns from shibari bondage can have an appeal all of their own.The list goes on and on. To read a lot more about the uses and value of pain in the search for greater pleasures and to enjoy more images from this set, please refer to LOVE ME LIKE YOU HATE ME, my forthcoming book about BDSM written with Erika Lust and due for publication in Autumn 2010. Photos by David Vega. Enjoy! Venus O’Hara
